Sunday, 05 July 2009

  • [dually duly duelly]

    It's funny how some relationships you are convinced will last forever but still fade away no matter the effort you give them, and some are with you til the end - like gifts.

    My life feels consumed by things people are bored with hearing about. I kind of wish I could tune these parts of life out as well, but by definition it doesn't work that way. I know in my head that validation from other people is not enough, but I still have a desire for it. I think this is complicated by my stubbornness in letting God do this. People will never be enough. And I will never be enough for people.

    Mike said something this morning that stood out to me ... about faith verses works, in connection with our relationships. If we are always keeping track of all the hard work we're putting into something and all the work someone else is not putting in, then we're not actually serving that person. It turns into something selfish.

    I have a hard time being selfish sometimes.
    I have a hard time knowing how to love in the long run.

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

  • [sometimes the glass is half full]

    I am possibly loving my time so far at the Museum. Full days Mondays and Wednesdays, but the tasks are interesting and testing my knowledge and skills as a designer. The perks of being at a Natural History Museum are nice. First of all, its full of so many of the things that remind me of Florida as my home. There are trails out back I can walk while taking a computer break with boardwalks through wetlands and egrets and dragonflies, sometimes snakes and gators. I've been eating lunch in a Butterfly and Wildflower garden with benches in the shade and all sorts of neat things to photograph. I get into the butterfly exhibit for free with my name tag any time I want. Everyone is nice and knowledgable and likes being there.

    On the flip side, some of my work at Santa Fe has been frustrating, but since there is no such thing as "unreasonable people repellant", I will just get over it.

    Overall, I think the full time schedule has done me well. For so long I just had to go home and sit still and my brain just couldn't handle it! I'm happier when I'm occupied. I've been holding up ok-ish physically, which I was worried about. Physical Therapy twice a week is challenging, but some cracks are starting to show in the wall of this thing so that give me motivation to keep fighting. Still a long way to go though, with at least another month of PT.

    Other good things on the horizon ...  The summer wedding gauntlet will bring love, photography experience, and some much much needed income (I'm poor! lol). Handsome gentlemen will ask me out to coffee and dinner (a girl can dream). Mary has a three ring pool and Jane has a puppy. And finally, I have two coupons for free pints of Blue Bell icecream.

    IMG_4262

    [end]



Tuesday, 02 June 2009

  • Currently
    Songs You Know by Heart : Jimmy Buffett's Greatest Hit(s)
    By Jimmy Buffett
    see related

    [p.o. request: grace]

    Like the rest of you, I can barely believe June is here already.

    Things have settled in at work and I've learned most of the ropes. The building apparently has wireless now so during slow periods I can use my laptop to do things like look deep within my soul and produce Xanga entries. All in all, I am thankful for my job.

    I got my first creative brief for my internship at the History Museum, and it looks great. It's an invitation to a Key West themed fund raiser (hence Jimmy Buffet for inspiration.) I'm still a little intimidated, but as far as I can tell this is going to be a good experience. If all goes well, the 8th will be my first day going in. I need to get my professional wardrobe together!

    I also started physical therapy a few weeks back. I'm extremely thankful for this. That someone would give such a thing to me is something I can barely get over. And they've been really great. It seems like no matter how much of a wall flower in the church I try to be, I am still taken care of when I have a need. When I needed a car,  super cheap rent, a job, funding for a trip ... when I needed this treatment. I can complain all day long about spiritual or emotional issues or whatever you want to label it, but those things I just listed are concrete undeniable examples of me being taken care of via the church - over the course of 11 years. Not a bad track record. Of course, thinking about this is making it harder for me to choose cynicism. Not impossible, just harder ... lol.

    Truthfully, I just typed out several paragraphs about what is going on with the treatment, how I've been dealing with everything, and a really great analogy about nerves and all night dance parties ... but I don't know that this is really the place for it. Just know that as I hit the 10 month marker of this ordeal, I am looking forward to the day when I have grown from all this, and don't feel defined by the word "can't." I'm so desperate for it. Until then, please extend a little extra grace my way.

    Tonight will be our second Tuesday night get together at Mary's with the girls. I think in the long run, this will be good. In the short run, I am hesitant. There are some amazing people that will be there ... but unless I want to go and be totally fake, I will need to let my guard down. And deal with some things.

    I don't feel like doing this.
    I am a rock.
    I am an island.

    Or maybe .... maybe I will choose to fear God instead of fearing myself. A few days ago in church, when we were reminded that intimate friendship with God was reserved for those who feared him, I felt a serious pang. In the same way the touch of the therapist brings pain when massaging my troubled body, I felt it. The urgency has gone, but the thought is still with me.

    There is more, but that seems long enough for now.

    See you on the flip side.

Thursday, 07 May 2009

  • I'm on a Mexican (woah-oh) radio.

    I will try my best to tone this entry in such a way that does not cause Norma to worry, though if you’re going to have someone worry about you, Norma is not a bad choice.

    Some happy news I found out yesterday is that I got the summer internship at the natural history museum (not to the unnatural future museum which I also applied to in my head). My first set of plans failed, but hello reset button! Thank you for putting this new opportunity in my lap that focuses on print design (my actual program track) in a place that values the arts and all things that are way cool. The designer I will be under seems like someone I’ll be able to learn a lot from. It all starts June 1st and goes til august.

    Another patch of good news (though I would not call it happy because it relates to work) is that I have secured a job for the summer working with all the same people as before without having to actually be in the downstairs office. Glory. My current task is to get all these messy jumbled up files for Pilot (health sciences tutoring office) in order. My job can be boiled down to this: Figure out who came in and why, and enter that into a Microsoft related product. Only none of the past assistants seemed to value specific files names, putting dates on things, or folders that were called something other than “New Folder 6”.  I have my work cut out for me. Plus, no internet at my little stuck-in-the-corner work station.  I’m more ok with this than one might suspect, though I will the 9-5 gmail crew.

    I got a treadmill. It was a big decision since they aren’t free and I don’t make much, but I’m happy I did it. I need to get back to some of the better habits I had before the Graphic Design program turned my schedule upside down and this Carpal Tunnel ate my arms off. I have more or less taken over the fourth bedroom of our house in an effort to purge my room of all things not relaxing or conducive to sleeping. The process is not yet complete, but seems promising.

    My mommy was in the hospital for two days. Most of you know why, but for those who don’t just know she’s home and fine now. I don’t have much to say about it here, other than I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t have to go to any more hospitals for a long time.  No one wants to see someone they love deal with that stuff. I did hear from a lot of people I don't normally talk to though, so that was nice.

    Saturday my boss is getting married. Mary is moving. And my Grandpa is turning 81 is Lakeland. I wish these things were not all colliding on the same day and am at a loss as to how to reconcile all three. I guess I'll know on Sunday what I ended up doing. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that worry almost always has an expiration date. Unless you're a parent, in which case I'm sure you'd argue with me.

    I'm glad the fearsome foursome is back from Haiti.

    I want fireworks and a cold glass of ... water.

    The End.

FinallyDecided

  • Visit FinallyDecided's Xanga Site
    • Name: Leah
    • Country: United States
    • State: Florida
    • Metro: Gainesville
    • Member Since: 1/13/2005